Candidate Rundown

Less than a year until the elections! *crickets chirping* Yes, the fact that every election season starts earlier and earlier has led to an unprecedented level of election burnout. Political pundits are running out of worthwhile questions to ask so they're resorting to asking "What tv shows do you like?" Which is a stupid question anyways because we all know that politicians are robots and therefore do not watch television. Anyways, here's an election guide for all you people out there, detailing you with the relevant candidates and who you should vote for...

Dems - Ah, the party of liberalism, taxing, and Kennedy; the trifecta. I'll almost certainly be voting Democrat this election and I'll say this: if a Dem does not win this time, it's time to move to Canada. Seriously, just give up if you can't win in an environment where Bush and the neocons are pissing away their political capital. I'd be happy with living in Vancouver, the smell of cannabis will help wake me up in the mornings...


1) Hillary Clinton - The unofficial frontrunner though her lead is dwindling. She comes off as strident in her speeches and a little bit of a hardass. I can't make out if her frontrunner status is because of her or because of having some guy named Bill as her husband. People already have strong opinions about her, so I'm unsure of her ability to win new votes. I think her being female is immaterial; she'll get the votes.

Pros:
-She's a real take-charge politician
-Experienced
-Bill would be First Lady

Cons:
-Most people already have already made up their minds on her
-Though people mistakenly think she would be the first female elected president, she, in fact, has a penis


2) Barack Obama - The man from Chi-town gets my respect, even if he was a prof at U of C (boo!). What an orator and personality. His inexperience shows, however, in the debates, but who cares. Americans don't care about policy issues; they just want a guy who looks and sounds presidential. I have my reservations, but he's my choice. He may not be "black enough" but that doesn't matter because he has enough mainstream appeal to trump that deficiency.

Pros:
-Dynamic speaker
-Good-looking guy
-Would bring the crucial Oprah-watcher vote

Cons:
-Not "black" enough apparently
-Would bring Oprah one step closer to becoming the Earth's overlord

3) John Edwards - The guy comes off as a slimeball to me. And his speeches are so blase. "Poor....blah blah blah....poverty....yadda yadda yadda....average American". I could be his speechwriter easily. I think his time is done. He's gone stale

Pros:
-Young candidate
-cares about poverty

Cons:
-seems to forget that he lives in a multi-million dollar mansion in Carolina
-has a wife dying from cancer and is out campaigning

4) Who cares about everyone else...they don't have a chance in hell. Kucinich gets some points for being an elf of a man and somehow bagging a smoking hot wife.

GOP - The party of rich, white men has candidates which are coincidentally rich, white men. Most of these candidates seem to get that Bush is as toxic as a radioactive waste dump so they're distancing themselves from him. Smart decision guys.

1) Rudy Giulani - I think it says a lot when the frontrunner for the nomination is a pro-choice multiple divorcee. It shows you how much the Republicans need a winner. Rudy is riding the 9/11 wave to the nomination unless...

Pros:
-the least conservative of the Republicans
-snappy dresser

Cons:
-apparently being conservative is important for the GOP, who knew
-would bring an annoying New Yorker accent to the White House

2) Mike Huckabee gets in the way. Mike who? This guy came out of nowhere (arkansas). But then again so did this one guy back in '92. Can't remember his name. Huckabee reminds me of Bush before 9/11: an aw-shucks social conservative who'd be happy to just twiddle his thumbs and run out an unremarkable 4 years. What we wouldn't give if Bush stayed that way, huh?

Pros:
-Pretty down-to-earth guy
-Lost all that weight. No-one wants a fat president. I'm looking at you Taft!

Cons:
-Huckabee would be the least-presidential sounding last name in the history of America
-he's a Bible beater

3) Mitt Romney - aka bald-faced liar. He's the epitome of a slimy political tool. Changes his views so he can get the nomination. If he was running as he is now, no way in hell Massachusetts elects this guy. I genuinely dislike Mitt Romney.

Pros:
-NONE at all

Cons:
-Hair was combed with a fork
-Flip-flops on issues
-99% of Americans don't even know what a Mormon is or what he believes, why would they vote for one?

4) Again, no-one else has a chance. John McCain is like Mr. Wilson in Dennis the Menace and Ron Paul, who is like a 1930s conservative, is at the wrong place at the wrong time as far as the GOP is concerned

There's my election rundown...now go back to your enlightening interview about John McCain talking about being a Vietnam POW for the 1,070,956th time.