If I decided to forget about medicine and go into acting, I know exactly what typecast I'd want: the badass. I'd want to be known as the guy who can wield enough artillery to take out a small country all while getting the babes. I'd have the art of snapping necks and kicking ass down. Every director would call me up if they had a story that called for mowing down hundreds of men and doing death-defying stunts. So, as a homage to my fantasy, I devised a list of top ten movie badasses.
6. Steven Seagal - I think that family guy cutaway said it best. The one where Steve Seagal is beating up a bunch of arctic seals on an iceberg. Yes, Steve is the kind of guy who would do such an audacious thing. He didn't selectively kick ass; the guy was an uncontrollable killing machine in his movies. My favorite move by the guy is the snapping of necks, cheap but so effective. Too bad he crapped out bigtime with that DMX movie; this guy was the shit back in the day. (please refer to Undersiege and Undersiege 2 for good ole Seagal)
5. Bruce Willis - "Now I know what a tv dinner feels like" Bruce Willis gets on this list simply because of the Die Hard movies. The best part about those movies was how fallible the guy was. He was genuinely scared about being in dangerous situations, but he nonetheless perservered. I think that's why he survived into the 90s, whereas these other guys didn't. Plus, I hope he makes a comeback. We need more red-blooded, macho men with receding hairlines.
Watch: DIE HARD, The Fifth Element
4. Bruce Lee - So my brother is a huge martial arts buff. He loves any movie with guys flying around trees and wielding swords. Most of these movies are god-awful in my opinion (I don't get why people love Street Fighter with Sonny Chiba so much). But I'll always make an exception for Bruce Lee movies. Lightning quick moves and he had the whole don't mess with me attitude. Extra points for the cool sounds he makes.
Watch: Enter the Dragon, The Chinese Connection, Big Boss
3. Charles Bronson - Ahhh, I still remember the first day I watched Death Wish. It remains to this day one of the most violent movies I've ever seen. But then again if someone raped your daughter and killed your wife, I think any logical individual would respond by bringing hell on earth. You're not a real action movie aficionado till you've watched Death Wish. It was the precursor for Auh-nuld and Sly flicks later on.
Watch: Death Wish (the sequels pretty much blow), The Great Escape
2. Arnold - I can't spell his last name, but you know who I'm talking about. The Governator was amazing back in the 80s. If you needed a muscly, red-blooded guy to kick enormous amounts of butt, this was your man. Commando is one of my favorite action movies to this day. Paper thin story, but so entertaining. Seriously, Commando's story makes Bollywood movies sound like Shakespeare. Dutch, John Matrix, and the Terminator remain iconic characters. How did this guy get elected, pleeeeeeease go back to acting, will you? But no more movies where you're pregnant.
Watch: Commando, Predator, The Terminator
1. Sly - Stallone gets my number one spot because his movies were generally of better quality than Arnold's. You know, most dudes only get to play one iconic character known by only one name, but Sly played TWO. Rocky was the ultimate underdog and disregarding #5, they all ruled. I was genuinely surprised how much I liked Rocky Balboa, the latest film. I thought Stallone just wanted to revive a character that shoulda been laid to rest, but it was a smart movie and I was cheering for Rocky again. Oh yeah, how can you forget about Rambo. "God has mercy, John Rambo won't". Big muscles? Check. Big guns? check. Foreigner baddies or rednecks to beat up on? Check. How awesome would it be if there was an American platoon made up of John Rambo, John Matrix, and Charles bronson? America would finally solve Iraq for sure.
Watch: Rocky and Rambo
Honorable Mentions: Steve McQueen, Sean Connery (bond and the untouchables), Jet Li, Al Pacino
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